It turns out I do not have a battery issue with my lappy. It's apparently a hibernation problem you get with Microsoft Vista. Despite all the flak Vista seems to get, I've never had a problem with it before today. So, "Get a Mac" commercials, let me just say, you were right and I was wrong (and you know the only reason I resisted is because I resented Justin Long for always making that nice John Hodgman feel bad about himself).
So I have a working computer, but I will still be moving soon. Do you have any boxes??